When You’re the One Who Wants More: Navigating Mismatched Needs in Love
You keep showing up. You ask the questions. You plan the dates. You check in. And still, something feels missing. You crave more closeness, more effort, more emotional depth—but your partner seems content with how things are. When you're the one who wants more, it can feel like you're asking for too much, even when you're just asking to feel connected.
At our North Sydney therapy space, we work with individuals and couples who are navigating this exact tension. Mismatched needs in love can be painful and confusing, but they don’t have to lead to disconnection. With awareness and care, you can explore what’s happening underneath—and decide what kind of relationship you want to build from here.
What “Wanting More” Often Really Means
Wanting more in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you're needy. It often means:
You want deeper emotional connection
You want more responsiveness and presence
You want to feel prioritised or valued
You want more shared effort or relational care
You want to feel secure in the bond, not unsure
The pain often comes not from the need itself, but from the feeling that your partner either can’t see it, doesn’t share it, or doesn’t know how to meet it.
Why These Patterns Develop
Mismatched needs often reflect deeper attachment styles and emotional histories. For example:
If you have anxious attachment, you may feel heightened sensitivity to distance or withdrawal, and seek more closeness to soothe the anxiety
If your partner has avoidant attachment, they may feel overwhelmed by emotional demands and need space to regulate
If neither of you learned how to express needs safely in childhood, you might both feel reactive or shut down when intimacy feels uneven
These differences can lead to cycles where one person reaches out and the other pulls away—leaving both feeling misunderstood and alone.
What Not to Do
When you’re the one who wants more, it’s tempting to try harder. You might:
Over-function emotionally
Suppress your needs to keep the peace
Explain repeatedly, hoping your partner will finally get it
Make subtle jabs or complaints in place of direct conversation
Internalise the disconnect as proof that something is wrong with you
But these strategies often lead to resentment or burnout. You deserve to express your needs without shame or self-abandonment.
What You Can Do Instead
Here are some compassionate steps to take if you feel like you’re always the one asking for more:
1. Clarify what “more” means
Is it more time, more affection, more openness, or more shared effort? Getting specific helps you ask clearly instead of hoping they guess.
2. Check in with your own story
Are you asking your partner to meet an unmet need from the past? Is your fear of rejection or abandonment being triggered? Therapy can help you sort through this with care.
3. Use “need” language, not “fault” language
Instead of saying “You never open up,” try “I feel closer to you when we share more emotionally. I’d love for that to be part of our connection.”
4. Make space for their experience too
Sometimes partners don’t avoid closeness out of disinterest. They may feel unsure, emotionally flooded, or afraid of doing it wrong. Creating safety goes both ways.
5. Get support together
Couples therapy can help bridge the gap between mismatched needs. It’s not about making one person wrong. It’s about understanding each other more deeply and finding a rhythm that honours both of you.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
In therapy, we help you explore:
What each partner truly needs to feel loved and safe
How past experiences are shaping present expectations
How to talk about needs without defensiveness or shutdown
How to build emotional intimacy that feels mutual, not one-sided
How to repair when one person feels unmet or unseen
You don’t have to stay stuck in cycles of over-giving and under-receiving. Therapy can help create more balance, clarity, and connection in your relationship.
North Sydney Therapy for Relationship Imbalance
Whether you're coming to therapy on your own or with your partner, we offer a space to explore your needs honestly and without judgment. You are allowed to want more. The goal isn’t to want less—it’s to understand what your needs are trying to tell you, and how to meet them with wisdom and care.
